Motivation

motivate/ˈməʊtɪˌveɪt/
verb (transitive) - to give incentive to

One of the things I struggle with is seeing past the now. Right now is a horrible situation. Right now is depressing.

And then I realized something. The so-called right now is right now. Everything I'm working towards is to remove the right now. And that's what is the driving force behind my motivation to make a change.

But what is motivating me to still be excited in the right now? It certainly hasn't been my recent change in health insurance. It has been 63 days since the medication that helped keep me motivated to continue living went from a paltry $5 co-pay to a $100 co-insurance cost. If you work at a job you hate, how do you continue caring about it?

Because I'm good at it. You find that stride at some point and to me call centers were easy and comfortable. I naturally want to help people and be there for them, but I never excel, nor do I want to. There's no mental stimulation to being in front of a keyboard all day. This is the reason it's taken me so long to start blogging, it's hard for me to disassociate my work computer from my home computer.

My motivation was never in doing something right for "the company" either. I don't really buy into the idea that corporate america turns all of your co-workers into these genuinely positive upbeat people. I look at them, and a lot of time all I see is fake. It's rarely out of motivation to being the best customer service person on the planet. It's because of the money that gets thrown at them.

Sell your lifestyle. 

Preach brand loyalty.

Convert the nonbelievers.

It's the religion of corporate america and I'm sitting in the pew. My co-workers are the congregation, and I feel like I'm the only one who has ever doubted my religion. I never really believed in the concept that money makes you happy. 

But  I can't get by on wishful thinking and ideals. I need to create something. I need to do something that makes me have a sense of accomplishment and I can take pride in. And hearing myself talk about a product I don't use for ten hours a day makes me cringe every time.

But for every person I talk to, that's not fair to them. They don't need to know that internal struggle, they don't need to know how I possibly disagree with any number of things. So I treat every person as well as I can, because that's what people should do. And I know that even though I hate it, I don't let my frustrations get taken out on people that don't deserve it.

Today I made a change to my work out routine. I started one. If I want to brand myself, and need to make the brand. And right now, 138 pounds isn't very marketable. I'm going to start lifting weights and working out more, with a diet consisting of less crap. I've all but knocked out processed foods, but I'm going to be moving closer to a high protein organic diet with high repetition low weight work outs. I need to get cut and make myself into the product that I want to sell to people. If I can't commit this one thing to myself, how can I commit myself to my future?