A week in the dark
This week has been more difficult than I care to admit. Monday night I drank 2/3 of a bottle of vodka trying to distract from a fight that shouldn't have started to begin with. Tuesday I was still drunk until 11 am, and then I just felt miserable the rest of the day. Wednesday and Thursday I couldn't shake the feeling of anguish and despair.
Yesterday morning, I just didn't want to wake up. I wanted to be alone all day. I didn't want to go to school, I didn't want to be home, I didn't want to be in my car.
Simply put, I didn't want to be.
I was outside on my break when Reuben came out saying that Tammy was going to be pissed because she was about to be on towels for the second day in a row. I looked at him and said "I'll go take care of it." I went in and told the front desk that Tammy needed the time on the floor, and it would probably be best for everyone if I wasn't out on the floor, so I would volunteer to be on towels today.
Context - Being on towels is the equivalent of doing the 'bitch work.' I'm not paying over $10,000 to do laundry, so when they assign it out you are literally going and grabbing dirty towels from all over the school, doing laundry, folding towels, taking them out to stations, and repeating for 4 1/2 - 5 hours. But it gave me a chance to be alone, and I could focus on trying to be productive.
Nobody left me alone.
I don't think a lot of people understand depression in the sense that when you are down, hearing someone tell you to 'cheer up' or 'look on the bright side' is the last thing that you want. If I could just cheer up, don't you think I would have already done that? If I was able to take two seconds to stop being fixated on the looming shadow of negativity to appreciate the bright side, I probably would have crawled out of this hole.
So I went to bed after doing something that always makes me feel better.
I'm in a better mood to start today.