rage against the dying of the light
My therapist called in "catastrophizing". It is a cognitive behavior where the individual goes to the worst case scenario and dwells on it. This is my world. I'm trying to change my perspective and recognize that life probably isn't as bad as I make it out to be. But good god damn, this last week has been difficult.
These past 8 days I have found myself worrying about how I will be able to pay off what I owe the school. If I am unable to pay the school, then once I pass the state board exam the school will not release to me my license until it's paid in full. If I can't use my license, I will be stuck at a call center. If I'm stuck in a call center after filing bankruptcy and I'm still not able to pay my bills, how in the fuck will I keep finding a reason to get out of bed each morning?
Catastrophizing in a nutshell. I know that it's an unrealistic worst case scenario that I always plan and prepare to avoid. But once the scenario comes to light, my mind simply won't concede to reason. These are my bad days. I told Hailie a few days ago that sometimes I wish I was still on my medication. When I was on antidepressants, they changed my rollercoaster of unleveled emotions from this (/\/\/\/\/\/\/\) into this (-------------). By sacrificing the bulk of my great days, I was able to avoid a great majority of my really bad days.
The problem that came with it though is that I lived life feeling like a zombie. Every day was just.........meh, there was nothing to get excited about. Sure I wasn't sad, but that doesn't mean I was happy. It's the difference between participating and being included. One is much more invested than the other, and antidepressants made me feel like I was participating in an overall existence. So for the sake of the past three months and some of the best days I've had in years, I'm glad I'm not living the half-life anymore.
I think these are probably the first real bad days I've had since I started school. Bad days in the sense that I can't get my mind off of the negativity and it just sits there, festering. There's a very distinct difference now though. Now, I have a goal and a motivation at the end of all of this. It just means I need to work that much harder and plan on the worst so I can enjoy the best when it comes. I will get out of this funk because I refuse to allow it to ruin me.
I am not one to be inspired by arrogance, pompousness, or self-centered attitudes. I will not follow the voice that speaks their name loudly. Up until this point, I haven't thought very highly of myself, and that changes now. Goal - Find more value in myself. Focus on it. Hold on to it. Build on it. Make this happen.